The Spring Clean

Whereas some people may undergo a blitz spring cleanup, my mission involved vacuuming doughnut crumbs from the inner lining of a purse and vigorously shaking the whole thing upside down. Why, you may ask? Well, my purse was about a quarter of my weight. I didn't notice, it took the efforts of someone chivalrously carrying it for me and nearly having their arm fall off-- "Dear goodness, what have you got in here?!" The answer is, mass equivalent to three icy exoplanets, a porcelain bath tub, and two grams. Give or take.

Pictured:

1. Sewing Kit~ There's one episode of The Suite Life on Deck where the ship gets struck with lighting at exactly New Years and one of those twins (idk) is forced to relive the experience over and over a la Groundhog Day. He keeps getting impeded from saving the day and altering the course by numerous obstacles, one of which being a torn dress which his "friend" (loosely applied term) needs mending. On try five or something, he packs a sewing kit, and it makes all the difference. I remember being a little kid watching this, taping that one exact episode and watching it over and over (irony), wondering about the possibility of getting stuck in a similar situation. And I kid you not, that's why I carry a sewing kit.
2. Green Die~ You never know when you might decide to gamble. It never hurts to be prepared.
3. Golden Key/Bottle Opener~ At my first-cousin-once-removed's wedding, we used many copies of these to pop open glasses of sparkling apple cider. My thought at the time was either "Huh, I could use this as a prop in a short film" or "I don't drink, but if I did...", but regardless, now I have it.
4. Stickers~ To remind myself and others that we've worked hard and are amazing
5. Chapstick~ I didn't expect to stumble into anything in my treasure trove here that actually had a reasonably practical application, so I'll pat myself on the back now. Except for, I put on Chapstick like Miranda Sings. Where are my gold star stickers?
6. Hair Ties~ To shoot at people, because why settle for maturity when you can have all the added benefits of not giving a hoot?
7. Mini Hair Brush~ "JULIA STOP TAKING MY THINGS" (My sister, circa 2011). I shortly thereafter acquired my own hairbrush, since I'd lost all the other ones.
8. Mini Notepad and Mechanical Pencil~ I'd like to say that I'm being productive and writing down homework, or maybe even something slightly endearing like reminders to treat kindly all those I love, but I'm really just spying on conversations and jotting down the good stuff. That crap is getting written into my books. #believabledialogue
9. Magnet~ This magnet is actually pretty weak, just strong enough to pick up a couple paperclips. But I keep thinking that I'll get into an emergency survival situation where I need to build a charged compass to escape the mountains and a man-eating Kodiak bear-- So rather than keeping, say, a compass, I keep this magnet.
10. Excedrin Pills~ Frequent migraines.
11. Photobooth Strips~ I could carry around pictures of my loved ones in a wallet or as my phone lock screen, but I actually don't have a wallet, and my lock screen is already a really nice picture of a flower that I don't have the heart to replace by way of sentimentality. Sorry Mom. I do like these pictures of us posing in silly hats, though.
12. Cheap Ring~ Have you ever been at a public place and had an authority figure say, "Oh, shoot, some small child probably left this behind. Here, do you want it?" Because, I have. We have no idea where the ring came from, but in my head, it was dropped from a mystic realm and bestows the magical powers of +2 dexterity and resistance to heat. Besides, it is really pretty. Side effects may include: harrowing guilt.
13. MUG Root Beer~ You may notice that the x3 denotes that I had three cans of root beer, all of them unopened, at the time I cleaned out my purse. The reason for this pertains to the aforementioned wedding, where my sister reached, in my mother's eyes, what is affectionately termed as "Redneck status". This being, "kleptomaniacally snatching several cans of soda from the coolers at a wedding, Jackie, for heaven's sake". Jackie was grounded from the refreshment area. Her response? A nudge in my direction, cajoling me to take some for her. She said she desperately needed stock her mini fridge and mom allows sugary substances only sparingly. The girl is a maniac, but I love her. Besides, it was freaking hilarious.
14. USB Drive~ Because I am a very busy woman and my files aren't going to carry themselves.
15. Bobby Pins~ My hair is 30 inches long, and it takes a gross about of pins to keep it up in even a messy bun. Also, they make fantastic emergency bookmarks, and they're even better at picking locks. Don't worry, I'm not a criminal. I just have vivid delusions that I could be a secret agent.
16. Cat Treats~ To feed to squirrels at the park
17. Watercolor Pencils~ (12 of them). I keep these around to illustrate in my Processing Journal or Georgics Notebook, both of which are fancy nomenclature for "Art Stuffs" and/or "Writing Scraps". I fancy myself an illustrator but really I just like looking at pretty flowers.
18. Matches~ In case of the "stuck in the mountains" scenario, etc. I'm terrified of being like the one ditzy white girl in a survival suspense film whom everyone considers a drag and they're all secretly relieved when she trips of a cliff. I feel like that would be me, and it makes me so mad at myself. Somehow, these matches will one day save me from that fate.
19. Assorted Cards~ I have lots of old gift cards with approximately 37 cents left on them, and I keep them around on the odd chance that there'll be a life-or-death situation where the fate of the universe demands that I buy a book at Barnes and Nobel-- and I'm short a quarter or two. As the world implodes around me, I collapse to my knees, crying out to the void that if I only had thirty-seven cents more the whole cosmos could have been saved. It's a rare chance, but according to quantum physics, anything is possible. 
20. Dried Rose Leaves~ "Why do you keep these?" "It helps me remain an enigma, a manic pixie dream girl, in the eyes of any author." (jk)
21. Emergency Book~  I'll admit it, this is a social crutch. I don't like to go anywhere without the escape route of a good novel; not because I dislike people or being in public, but because it's a security net for tense or draining situations. Books are a sanctuary where I can relax, even more so if I read them close in the presence of a person I care about. I'll go over to Cody's house with a beautiful novel and lean against him with my nose in it, and eventually he'll distract me with food or a movie-musical adaptation, and that's why our relationship is so wonderful.
    BOOKS:
    THEY ARE AMAZING
22. An Absence of Cash~ My favorite part about this whole thing is that, in spite of everything I have in this purse, the one essential item I have lacking is money. The one thing you're definitely supposed to have in a purse. 
23. First Aid Kit~ Cody loves me because I carry around a hand-sewn pouch of essential oils, bandages, allergy relief pills, splints, and antibiotic ointments. He prescribes melaleuca for nearly everything I complain of, and I think the fact that I carry around a bottle of it makes him get all gushy, or something. Kinda like, "we both carry around Band-Aids,-- it's a sign!" 
24. Tape Measure~ This is necessary. Just today I had to measure my hair length, for this very post. The reason I really carry it around, though, is because I spontaneously decide to sew clothing for my friends and must measure them that very minute. And also, I get really annoyed sometimes when I can't figure out the exact length of something. You never know.
25. Dog Clicker~ Can I train myself to be happy? I read something about this and thought that it was eccentric and psychologically fascinating. And in line with my general nature, I decided to run an experiment on myself. I'm still working on it, but if you hear a clicky-clicky sound in the general vicinity of me, it means I'm a little happy. Or watching a cat video on YouTube. 
26. Cucumber~ I needed this, I promise. I was planning to make a sandwich
27. Magic Disappearing Ink~ This is a necessary element to any secret agent tool kit. Suppose I want to write a note reminding myself to buy more strawberry milk but I don't want my mom to comment on how much sugar I'm consistently consuming? Boom. I use this and then write over it with the Red Herring, "multivitamins" or "organic produce"

Not pictured: one sock, a paper bag full of sweet potato tots (very greasy), purple earbuds, a partially inflated balloon containing ten metal nuts, and a handwritten note-to-self that says simply, "tea?" (Lord knows why). Also, my cat, who curled up halfway inside the purse when I turned my back for literally two seconds.